Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
