Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
