everyone is single if you try hard enough
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
