So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
