he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
