I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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