I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
