all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
