You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
