not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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