Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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