hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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