oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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