I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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