for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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