guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
