Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
