Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
