yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
