I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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