you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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