i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
