Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
