dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
