I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
