he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
