Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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