This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
