FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
