I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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