I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
