I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
tell me about the eggs
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
