I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
