True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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