I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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