my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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