dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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