I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
