So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
