saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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