Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
