please come you make the beer taste better
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
