Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
