??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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