my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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