if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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