I just threw up on my dentist
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Drunk is not a location!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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