Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
