I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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