guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
